A new beginning...

[Warning: this is a lonnnnng reflection, but was very, very important for me to write].

Yesterday I went for a run. A long run. A longer run than I've ever gone for in my life. And unlike the last time I went for a long run here, I did not get lost. Even at the risk of sounding corny, I will say that actually I was "found."

I got back to my house late yesterday evening (around 7:45pm) and the Hellesens were out. They had saved dinner for me on the stove, but I was an emotional mess. I'd said goodbye to some friends that afternoon and sat watching kids and their parents running through a fountain in a plaza in the city. I'd realized the INSANE amount I still had to do. And I couldn't get that thought out of my mind: that my time abroad is ending and I feel in no way ready for that. I knew I had to burn off some of my pent-up, stressed out energy, so I laced up my running shoes, grabbed my iPod, and ran out the door leaving a note that I'd be back before it was dark.

When I left my house there were tears in my eyes and I just started going. I was running and running and thinking and thinking. I can't even describe to you where I went because there were so many places. I haven't gone to the gym once since I've been here, nor have I run consistently and yet yesterday I ran with greater ease and enjoyment than I ever have before. I didn't tire and didn't wake up sore this morning. I just kept going and going, running on a semester's worth of energy and strength. As I ran past fields of sheep, through forests, on trails, by the factory, around soccer pitches, through neighborhoods, past playgrounds, to the supermarket, across a bridge, and alongside the roads I've biked and walked for the past 4.5 months, I went through this process of understanding what I am saying goodbye to and what I am bringing home with me. Here is what I have put together:

I am leaving behind life with my host family and my DIS classes. I am leaving behind Wednesday Field Studies and St. Peder's "snails" (the best Danish pastry from the best bakery). I am leaving behind my amazing courses and laughing with my friend Becca in class (and also my very attractive Developmental Disorders professor). I am leaving behind my room and my bed and the cozy couch and the fireplace. I am leaving behind long Hellesen family dinners. I am leaving behind my Danish bicycle and the Copenhagen biking traffic lights and wide bike lanes and "rush hour." I am leaving behind the small children in snowsuits and the babies out and about in prams. I am leaving behind my 50-minute commute and the surprising amount of energy that comes from doing it before 10am. I am leaving behind a city that I love and a country whose values that I connect with more than I do with my own country's. THIS is what I have been thinking about all week... all these things that I am leaving behind. But as I ran (and kept going), I had the time to push past that way of thinking. I started to consider all of the things that I am taking with me.

I am taking with me memories, SO many memories and feelings that I didn't know existed, feelings of total fulfillment and of success and achievement (even though I haven't a clue what my grades are). I am taking a new sense of total independence and confidence that I can explore and find my way all on my own. I am taking thousands of photographs to show to my family and friends (well, I'll narrow it down, I promise). I am bringing my Case Studies and term papers and all of the things I have learned, which will carry me into my senior year and beyond. I am taking a new view of psychology and a renewed sense of excitement about my future in the field. I leave with a global perspective... one built on things I've learned from DOING and learned from SEEING and from talking and reflecting.

That's when it really sank in: when I go home, I am returning a fuller human being, a more self-actualized young woman. I'm returning home even more proud of who I am and what I have accomplished (again, having really nothing to do with school). I moved to a new country by myself. I learned not only how to get by, but to thrive and grow and challenge myself and integrate. I take risks every day here, risks that feel even more special than any before because until now they could only happen here, way outside of my comfort zone and everything I've ever known before. But now the time has come to go back and take risks at home.

I am going home feeling fulfilled, feeling healthier than I ever have before (in terms of my physical strength, my emotions, my mind). I am going home with amazing new friends and a new part of my family. I have a renewed sense of what is important to me and what makes me happy: meaningful relationships, hygge, candy on friday nights, Just Dance parties, trampolines, exploring, learning, writing, adventure, white wine, taking photos, appreciating, reflecting, playing, biking, nature, laughing, balancing. I know what I value. I know why I am blessed. I wouldn't change any of it. Even the part about having to say goodbye because it is reminding me of just how incredibly lucky I am to have loved this time so much and it is giving me the chance to take all of these things I have learned and all of these things I now embody and bring them back to the people and places that I really do love at home.

And that's when I got to my final happy thought... the people I love. I often remind myself of the quote, "Wherever you are, it's your friends who make your world." It's true. I do not have to love my life in the US because of our politics; I do not have to love the guns or the conflict or distress or the social inequality or the prison system or overly achievement-oriented, competitive nature of our schools or work places. I do not have to enjoy our nation's denial of climate change, our lack of a willingness to compromise or sacrifice for one another. I do not have to like needing a car to get around. But I also need to remember that I do not have to let those things have control over my well-being or happiness. That gives a lot of power to things I wish didn't exist. And in the grand scheme of things, they are really not as significant as I am making them out to seem because I have what is important: the people I love.

I live in a country where I have the privilege of living my life according to my own values. I live in a country that really does appreciate diversity and value giving back through volunteering. I live in a country that faces challenges because we are all different and I wish that we could remember that deep down we are really all the same, but I hope that one day we will get there. The US has given me the people and opportunities that make my life meaningful. And now, I get to return to those people and places and opportunities stronger, happier and healthier than ever. As I said, I know what I value, and it will certainly take more work to make those things a part of my life in a society where they are not the norm, but I think I'm up for the challenge, and really I'm not in it alone. I love my life in Denmark, but I'm not ready to give up the things (the people!) that I love so, so much in my native home.

When I leave here, I am not leaving behind my new friends or even the Hellesens. Not at all. We do not live in the dark ages! We have skype and email and GoogleVoice. We will stay in touch; my new "family" (no longer my hosts) will even come visit me in the States this summer! I have so many wonderful things to show them... things I love and I am proud of. I have tons of people I want them to meet and many places I want them to see. I am not leaving behind my new relationships or deeper confidence. Instead, I get to put these new things together with the old things I've loved my whole life.

And after 1 hour and 10 minutes of running, as the sky was becoming dark and I knew I should get home before my family sent someone out on a bike looking for me, that seemed like a pretty exciting thing to me.

"All endings are also beginnings, we just don't know it at the time."

I can still be sad about leaving, in fact there is no doubt of it. But I now will remember: this is a new beginning.