A final reflection

I'm now in my bed looking around a room that I've called my own for the past 4 months. It doesn't look like my room anymore with nothing on the walls and my little closet lined with empty hangers. I've been dreading this day and this moment for weeks, but for now I am feeling strangely okay. I guess you could say that I am in a place where I am actually feeling ready to move forward; not ready to leave, but still ready to move forward. It may be fleeting, but I'll take it!

Today was as magical as I could have hoped for. I went to the airport, dragging friends' luggage despite a hurt foot, and I watched host families hugging their students goodbye. As I waved to and hugged my friends, the fact that we are leaving settled in once and for all. Something occurred to me, It's not just me that is leaving. Even if I stayed behind, it wouldn't be the same. We're all sad. We're all grateful. Like it or not, we're all moving on. And yes, tears were shed, but when I got back on the train, I was determined to make the most of the day and to see where my experiences and feelings led me.

On the way to the train station

After back and forth about the condition of my foot and whether it was a good idea for me to go into the city with Mira for a "sister shopping date" on Stroget (the main shopping street in CPH), I decided to tough it out. We'd been waiting for this date since I first arrived in January. Mira had apparently told her entire class that she was going to shop on Stoget with Sara. I am so glad that we went!

We took the train, listening to my iPod together and singing along to a combination of Danish and American music. We walked the route I walk to school and stopped in the stores I've passed, but had never before entered. I purchased some last-minute souvenirs. We got giant ice creams and went to sit at Nyhavn while eating them. I took in the sites and sounds and whir of the bicycles and found myself smiling. I'm leaving yes, but I'm taking so much of this city and my life here with me.

Stoget! The main shopping/pedestrian street

Miss Mira, SO happy to be out and about on Friday afternoon 

In front of her favorite store

Ice cream and talking at Nyhavn!

bike parade in the city

Eventually Helle, Lars, and Kasper joined us and we enjoyed a meal where I presented them with a framed photo collage and they presented me with the most beautiful necklace: an owl (my favorite animal and, they explained, a sign of my "wisdom") with a note that brought me to tears (yet again). They told me they expected the house would feel empty without me, but that they know we will see each other again (in just a 1.5 months time). They said that they are trying not to be sad that I am leaving, but just to be so happy and grateful that I ever came. I will miss them all so much, but I know that even though they are no longer my hosts, they will certainly always be a part of my family.

Back home we went taking the train together. It was good to have them with me to talk as we commuted; it made it so that I wasn't able to focus on the "last time I am walking by the flower market or through Central Station," the "last time I am taking the S-tog and biking home." It was a conscious effort, but thanks to their support I made it through the whole trip without shedding a tear. Once at home, Mira and I jumped on the trampoline for a few minutes (very gently because of my foot) and then looked at some of my nearly 3,000 photos I've taken. She gave me the sweetest note and scrapbook pages of photos from our time together. She and I both cried. I think I will try to post the video that we made together last weekend. 

As one by one the Hellesens went to bed, wishing me good night, I finished my packing and sat down to blog. Baloo and Junior occupied the space at my feet while Lars watched a terrible movie on TV. It all felt so natural and comfortable and I know that I will miss it, but I am keeping in mind that I am returning home to people and places I love. I decided in that moment that I am allowed to have two homes: one in the US and one here. And I know I'll be back. There's no doubt in my mind. 

The past four months have been a gift greater than I ever imagined they would be. I have learned more about myself than I thought there was to discover. The fact that I am so sad to leave is only a reflection of how lucky I have been. My friends have tried telling me, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." I'm giving myself permission to do both. I am grateful it happened, but also sad that it's over. I am excited to go home, but wishing I could stay. I'm in a transition phase, one that I expect will last a while. But that's okay. 

It's now the 12 hours after I started this post and I'm sitting in the airport in Amsterdam. This morning I got up, stripped my bed, checked my drawers, got into my one clean outfit, and joined my family in the dining room for a surprise Danish breakfast from our favorite bakery as a goodbye treat! They even got me two pastries in addition to our bread. :-) 

I got choked up as I kissed Junior and Balloo goodbye and commented that it wasn't a good sign that I was getting emotional when saying goodbye to the dogs! We all got in the car and drove off to the airport. The last song that came on the radio as we arrived was Thrift Shop, which brings back some of my most fun/hilarious memories of Saturday mornings with the Hellesens. When the song (which is basically a ridiculous rap/pop song from the States) was very popular, Kasper would insist on adding it to the music that Lars played on YouTube so on more than one occasion I emerged from my room on Saturday morning to Thrift Shop blasting from the computer room and would walk down the hall to find everyone (Lars, Kasper, Helle, and Mira) doing their various activities and singing along (to the ridiculous and sometimes inappropriate lyrics). This morning, we all sung as we drove and then got my suitcase out of the car. We’d arrived.

They walked me into the airport and I held it together pretty well until it was time to give everyone hugs. It was a very, very sad and hard goodbye, but thank god I know that I will be seeing them again in July. I walked through security (tears still streaming down my face, by the way) and found my gate. I slept from literally the moment that I got on the plane until someone shook me awake as the last of the people were getting off in Amsterdam. So here I sit, writing these final posts and looking through my many pictures. And right now, at this very moment, I am smiling, because yes, it happened. 

Of the many things I've learned and gained, I think three are worth noting in this last post:

1. I benefited from daily reminders of just how much the people in my life affect me and contribute to my happiness. I have no doubt that this experience was what it has been because of the relationships I've built while simultaneously developing my own independence. 

2. I have a very conscious awareness of what it is that matters most to me. The topics of these posts, the reasons I love Denmark, and the highlights of my days have helped me to understand what I want to incorporate into my life when I return home. 

3. On a related note, the thing that I am most proud of and the thing that has perhaps been my greatest realization has been understanding the importance of balance in my life. The Danes do balance very well: they have the best work-life balance in the world, foster both a sense of independence and simultaneous community at every level of society, manage time with friends and time with family, time relaxing and time exploring, time learning from books and time learning from doing, and do it all with a sense of calmness and lack of stress that was completely foreign upon my arrival. I think ultimately that this is one of the essential reasons that Denmark scores as the happiest country on earth: people approach life with a relaxed, balanced, and trusting attitude. I'm proud to say that I achieved this sense of balance (between school and play, host family and friends, relaxing and exploring) and have decided that while there are many parts of my Danish life I cannot bring home, I can certainly work to achieve balance in my life anywhere that I live. I’m working on ways to do this as I head home for a summer fellowship and thesis preparations, but I think I’m up for the challenge!

I thank you, dear reader, for taking this journey with me. Having the time and space devoted to sharing the things I've learned, the ups and downs and in betweens, the daily discoveries, the insights and new perspective gained, and my quest to make the most of what I know will always be considered four of the best months of my life has made a huge difference in my growth and well-being. And so I will say, I couldn't have done it without you.

And with that, I sign off.

Vi ses, Danmak! Tak for alt. Jeg kommer til at savne dig.

Thanks for everything. I am going to miss you.