A little bit of perspective...

NOTE: This is a reflection (mostly for me), but I'm posting it here because it addresses some of my current thoughts. 
I got a B on my paper. I turned it in and was reasonably happy with it. I knew it wasn’t the best paper I had ever written, but still, I was fairly confident in my ability to do as well as I like to do (i.e. get an A). And so, yesterday when my teacher handed back our grades and I saw a B written on the top of my rubric, my heart skipped a beat. Sara Moss does not get Bs on papers, I thought.

Now to a normal person a B may not be bad news, but it is not up to my standards. Mostly it is not up to the standards I know I need to have to get into a clinical psych PhD program (for which the acceptance rates are lower than that of medical schools). And I actually worked very hard on the assignment (as I always do). I was very disappointed in myself. How could I have let this happen? However, I’ve spent the past 24 hours working hard to gain some important perspective, and now, as I sit at the base of a fountain in the center of one of the main plazas in Copenhagen, finishing off a delicious pastry from the bakery down the street, watching the bicyclists speed by and the small children in snowsuits waddle down the street, I think I’ve let it all sink in and wanted to share.

The first thing I thought about was the incredible amount that my classes have taught me… more than I ever thought they would. Who knew I would have the chance to go to a Danish psych hospital, to a mindfulness meditation studio, to the Danish ballet, to national museums, to the Globe theatre, or to TWO castles? Who would have known I’d write a full diagnostic case report or have a private conversation with a famous PTG researcher in London? Who would have guessed that I would actually learn to understand basic Danish or to volunteer with immigrants with mental illnesses? Who could have promised me to have the chance to travel to foreign cities and to learn to find my way in each? Who would have predicted I would uncover the secret to Danish happiness (& to my own wellbeing)?

At a positive psychology seminar doing character strengths

At the Royal palace with my Danish class

Then main idea number two settled in: When I think about my time in Denmark and the things that I have learned, virtually none of them are reflected in grades. In fact, let me restate that: none of them are reflected in my grades. The connections that I have made in my classes, the experiences I have had traveling around Denmark (and around Europe), the meals and evenings with my host family, the Saturdays and Sundays spent wandering the streets of Copenhagen, mastering the S Tog and the buses, learning Danish and to fully appreciate good pork, biking in the sunshine (and rain and snow and sleet), celebrating birthdays, watching handball and soccer and the X factor, taking short showers, making awesome new friendships, and thinking critically about why it is I feel so much more at home in Danish culture… those things are not represented in my exam scores; they are not analyzed in grading rubrics.

Those things are reflected in the hundreds of photos I have taken, in the maps and brochures that are tacked above my desk at home, in the friendship bracelets that I’ve made with new friends, and in the many blog posts I have written here. The miles I have walked through Copenhagen, other Danish cities, Amsterdam, and London have warn down the soles of my boots. My window ledge is decorated with crafts that Mira and I have made. My iPod has a new playlist of Danish songs. These things tell me that I have succeeded this semester. These things tell me that I have gotten everything I could have wanted out of a semester abroad (and so much more).

I know that the semester still holds many opportunities for me to bring up my grade (this paper was literally only 20% of my final score), but I am trying hard to remind myself that in the end it really doesn’t matter, or I guess it matters, but I surely know that it is not the most important thing. What I was able to reaffirm through this unfortunate bump in my academic performance was that I wouldn’t trade even one minute that I’ve spent on non-academic things here. I also wouldn’t trade one minute that I did spend on academic things here. One of my main goals this semester was to find a good school-play balance, and I really think I’ve done just that.

Yesterday in an effort to clear my head, I took a 45 minute walk through Copenhagen and rode my bike the “long way” home. I went out before dinner for a 20 minute run and got incredibly turned around. I ran through two new neighborhoods and past a stable and pasture filled with horses. I ran next to a forest and then a little stream. And even though I was completely lost and knew I was going to be late for dinner, I was not panicked. I knew I would find my way home again eventually. I knew it would all work out in the end. And it did. 55 minutes later I finally stopped running: I was home. 

Sitting here at this fountain, I think what I am really feeling right now is sadness, and even though the grade is what triggered it, I think it is really about something quite different. My time here is almost over. This weekend I head to France to visit a best friend from elementary school and then next weekend I’m off to Norway to hike and bike and kayak near the Fjords! I have been looking forward to this from before i even arrived, but it just means that I have just two weekends left in Denmark. And the fact is that I am simply not ready to say goodbye. I love this city. I love my host family. I love my classes. I love the pace of life. I love the culture and the values and the people. I love it all, and I am not ready to leave it behind.

For now, I’m not going to have to worry about it. I still have 4.5 weeks left, which I will live to the fullest. Today I have a paper to write, an exam to study for, and some articles to read. This afternoon I will meet up with 2 DIS friends. I also have a family dinner and hangout date with Mira.  For now, that’s all that matters. For now, I've got the right perspective and I know I am doing my job just right.